Specifically, my boobs and how they might not be food sources anymore. I know; I know-- they've been sustaining life for like 2 years practically in a row-- why stop now?
Well, for one thing, I want to get so drunk I puke and eat so much chocolate I also puke. Then, I want to sleep all goddamn night long somewhere far, far away from a hungry baby-- specifically, this hungry baby
No offense Jack.
Oh good. Looks like none taken.
Here's the thing: He only gained 2 ounces in the last month, and even though the doctor is not at all concerned, I am, because who likes a skinny baby?
Well, okay, I mean, this skinny baby is pretty awesome.
He even sits up like a little baby frog
The thing is, he seems hungry when he gets done eating, fussing and gnawing on his hands. Ben has been reluctant to agree with me about the hunger, I think because I was such a freaking psycho about breast milk with Harry. I acted so superior because I was breastfeeding, and I was determined that he would have zero formula because ew! Formula is rat poison. This time around, I don't feel that way at all. The other day, I fed Jack from both boobs and then offered him a 4 ounce bottle, and he sucked it down after every feeding. He still woke up a lot and nursed all damn night, but he was more content during daylight hours than he usually is.
Jack has been kind of cranky his whole darn life, and if bottles make him happy, then who am I to stand in his way?
The thing is, I am such a judgmental bitch that every time I see a baby with a bottle I have a visceral reaction. I think, "Why are you feeding him that? Do you want him to be stupid and have a cold all winter?" Even though I know that aggregate statistics cannot possibly play out at the level of the individual and that socioeconomic level has a lot to do with those supposed benefits of breastfeeding.
An occupational hazard, perhaps, but have read too much and written too much about the ways in which hierarchies of worthy mothers have been created and maintained and used to keep women in the home or at work for less money or to devalue the work that women do to take seriously all the public health guilt messages about nursing.
But I also am a woman who is steeped in this culture and wants very much to do the best thing for her babies who feels guilty about bottle feeding, just like I am supposed to feel.
We are, after all, coming up to cold and flu season-- a good time of year for extra immunities. And I love what nursing does for my body in terms of cleavage and weight loss. And also, if I don't nurse, what ever will I feel smug and superior about?
Mostly, though, I am worried about being judged. And not by him.
I don't want to hear, "Oh you did the best you could!" and "Five months is a long time-- good for you for giving him the best possible start!" and all the other stuff we say to women who have thrown in the nursing towel. I don't want the disapproving hmphfs and the I'm-sure-he'll-be-okays. Because really, I am aiming a lot higher than okay for these guys, you know?
Note that I am too weight conscious to give up the breast feeding diet, which totally rocks, and that I have been pumping in my office the whole time I wrote this.
I'm just saying breast feeding sucks-- pun intended.