Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Lazy Parent's Guide to Potty Training by Ben and Sarah

This is a no-fuss, success-guaranteed method.

1. Wait until your child is past 3 and shits like a man in his pants. (This step really sets the mood). Like really gross. Like think of your dad taking a shit. Now think of your dad taking a shit as a three-year-old. Disgusting right?

2. Wait until your man-shitting 3 year-old approaches you and says, "Me wear underwear." (Better this than the 8-year-old pants- shitter right?)

3. Put child in underwear. Preferably licensed character underwear.

4. Wait. Watch. Make child feel uncomfortable.

5. Reward child with awkward amount of presents upon completion of BM.

6. If child makes an accident on floor, put face in it. JOKING, DO NOT COMPLETE #6 UNLESS PANTS-SHITTER IS A DOG. In which case, there shouldn't be any pants involved.

7. Child should be using the toilet now. Child should also have an awkwardly high level of self esteem because of the weird praise you've provided for poop and pee.

AND THAT'S IT!

6 comments:

Tripod said...

I agree! I remember that the boys were old enough that you could say, "See that. Do that there". They say ok, it's over. Great job

Kim said...

A variant of this method happened in our home as well. I had never thought of it, but this probably does explain why "bathroom events" are SO EXCITING and why they must be announced at full volume!

Kim said...

I think "potty training" is a bunch of baloney. Kids will do it when they are ready! We are waiting on our 2 1/2 year old to show any predictable interest. Why make everyone miserable when she isn't ready? Oh, but to have just one in diapers... :)

Snarky Mommy said...

Did Ben write this post? Sounds much more like him than you!

Marianne said...

HAHA!! I so needed this today!

Nathan was SO close last summer, and then we had to go to my parents' house for a week when my aunt was dying. Totally reset him. THEN, he was really really close in December. Just weeks later, he had a baby brother, got pulled out of daycare and turned three. Now, he has the ability, but NO desire. He'd rather pee on things, than in the potty. SO AT MY WITS END.

Best post ever.

lonek8 said...

this is exactly how we "trained" Jack as well. I don't think of it as laziness so much as "how to potty train a boy" and/or "how to potty train every child except your oldest."