Friday, November 11, 2016

Reproductive, right?

Things on my mind:

I'm still sad, friends, despite writing a cathartic note.

Call Your Girlfriend has some excellent election analysis, and they talk about Fannie Lou Hamer.

I am trying this new thing where I don't cry about the election today.  I feel like it might happen.  Yesterday, I started eating again (You guys!  I wasn't hungry for 2 days!  This has never happened to me before!), so I think I am on the right track.

You know how I have been saying that I really want to have another baby?  Well, there I was on election night, sitting on the cold, cold bleachers at Harry's hockey practice, refreshing my computer a million times as the results started to trickle in and lean toward Ivanka's dad, and I was overcome with the thought that I should absolutely NOT have another baby if Clinton lost.  I had environmental reasons for this feeling I mean, 5 kids is irresponsible as hell in this day and age in the best of circumstances, and Republican disregard for regulations that keep our planet safe(r) might mean my kids and their kids don't have a planet to even live on. It's unconscionable to think this way AND have another baby.  I had practical reasons, too, -- our house is small for the six of us, and it costs a TON of money to have kids.  We can stay pretty comfortably in our house for the long run now, but another body would really squeeze us-- physically and financially.  Also, I am no spring chicken.  While an Ivanka's dad presidency will probably be just fine for our wallets, we both work in higher ed, so who knows if we will even have jobs.  We know what Republican governors do to public employees-- will it be worse when the federal government also supports these policies?  As I watched Nate Silver's predictions shift, I felt like all of the hope had been sucked out of the world, and who brings a baby into a place without hope?  (A lot of people will under President Ivanka's Dad because abortion and Planned Parenthood are on the chopping block).

All of that is to say that I think the reason this election is hitting me harder than, say, Bush v. Gore, is that I am mourning the future I thought I wanted-- that I do still want, to be honest, but don't feel like it's a good idea to have.

Also!  I haven't been able to get warm since Tuesday night, and since the planet is dying it's a very reasonable 50-ish degrees here.

Look how big she is.  Almost no baby to be seen.  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THAT?

 Big kids are charming, though-- look at these guys reading their new book fair books at breakfast.
I think maybe I was hiding out in the idea of having another baby-- trying not to admit that I am 38 and have no idea what I want to do with my life now that I have buckets of freer time and will have 3/4 of my kids in school all day next year.  Procreating seemed like a good way to kill the last couple years of my 30s, anyway.

3 comments:

Mrs. Cain said...

I started eating again yesterday. Couldn't even choke down applesauce on Wednesday....and I LOVE food!

Brooke said...

I cried again today. Also ate nothing on Wednesday. And have come to a similar realization, though in my case it would be a hope for three living kids instead of two... Heartbreak feels political and personal.

Holly Sisk said...

I'm Still voting for Jedd baby #5 !