Before the miscarriage, I was on top of my shit. Remember when I posted about all of the shit I was doing simultaneously? Ugh. I hate old smug me. I still haven't picked up all of the balls I dropped, either. Part of this is because without a baby-imposed deadline, I have more time to prep my classes, and the urgency that was driving me is not there anymore.
Now? I am just not quite on my game. I have even stopped reading books. I have a shelf full of overdue library books and keep staring at my phone during free time, which is actually just time I should be doing other things. I might need to go on a technology diet. Seriously, I am so spacey and sluggish.
Case in point: Ben called to chat while I was taking the little kids to school yesterday, and he said casually, "Oh, you should have made plans to bring Jack's birthday snacks to school today." I was like OH SHIT because I did in fact make plans to take Jack's birthday treats to school. Before break. Which I apparently FORGOT ALL ABOUT. I thought about just getting donuts of a DQ cake, which is what most kids with working parents bring. But then I was like no I am not just a working parent, I am also an overachiever with fucked up self confidence issues, so Dorothy and I ran to the nearest store (Wal Mart-- I HATE Wal Mart) and bought horrible things like Crisco.
The thing is, I can't figure out WHY. Any insights? According to Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, I am an upholder, which means I meet internal and external expectations. Do I just not WANT to do Whole 30? So it's not an internal expectation? I have an accountability group to help hold me to external expectations, but usually, I can do things that matter to me without the support of others. And I LIKED the diet. I LIKED eating so many servings of veggies, and I liked losing weight. It's so frustrating.
I got back on the horse yesterday (and then ate 3 Reese's PB cups (minis) that I brought to my staff meeting), and plan to do the Whole26, stopping on my first annual 39th birthday. I think I want to succeed, so what gives?