First, as soon as you feel that gush trickle down your legs, open the bedroom window and call out to your husband, who is playing on the driveway with your toddler, "Oh my god! My water just broke!" This adds a classy touch to what will shape up to be a simply fabulous evening.
Next, call your mother, who lives 4 hours away, and tell her to hurry her ass up-- the baby is coming! The baby is coming! This is an especially good thing to do if your mother plans on bringing lots of frozen food with her.
Then, email all your colleagues short, panicky emails. Make sure your husband does the same.
Fourth, spend forty-five minutes wondering why you haven't felt anymore "water" beyond that first initial gush-- also use this time to re-do your make up and flat iron your hair while plunking your increasingly agitated toddler in front of a Caillou DVD because your priorities? Always in perfect order.
Fifth-- and this step is crucial if you really want to be the effing jackass you're destined to be-- pee your pants AGAIN and say "That must be my water. I'm going to call the hospital and the baby sitter."
Sixth, laugh when your husband says, "Yeah-- I mean it's not like you peed your pants twice in a row. But that would be awesome, too."
Next, take your freaked out kid with you to Labor and Delivery because your mom is en route but still coming from quite a distance, and his beloved babysitter is rushing back from her weekend at home celebrating her belated birthday with extended family. Note, it is absolutely crucial that you inconvenience AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE, you goddamn idiot.
At labor an delivery, a nice nurse will want to spare you any invasive tests because she says from what you've described, it must be your water breaking; I mean otherwise you'd need a bladder lift, right? She will send you into the bathroom with a glass slide and a strip of paper that should turn blue in the presence of amniotic fluid.
Break the slide.
Lose the paper.
Later, when another nurse suggests you get out of bed to encourage gravity to help get more fluid out, make sure the back of your hospital gown is tucked into the elastic of the monitor you're wearing around your belly, so that you can flash your bare ass around as much as possible.
Be glad your husband left to take your freaked out kid home and missed seeing that, since he would so mock you.
Do not believe the nice nurse when she tells you that this happens all the time. Most people are not as dumb as you.
Finally, let many strangers stick their fingers, cotton swabs, and sterile specula inside you to see what's going on.
What's going on is this: You peed your effing pants. Twice.
And then you told the internet, you goddamn incontinent idiot.
And oh yeah? You're still pregnant.
A little teary at the thought of your little baby becoming a big brother? Don't be, you jackass. Be teary because you're such an IDIOT
At least you can still blush about it.
Oh look, the bed you won't be staying in because you aren't in labor-- note to self: Pick up Poise pads on the way home.