So, I spent all summer thinking that I could not wait for the fall when I'd have a schedule and these buckets of unmarked time would be used up. I thought I'd want to kick the time buckets because all the the kids and I did all summer was bitch at each other and swim and destroy the house (them) and clean it up again (me).
But now I have a schedule and lots and lots and lots of things to do besides clean the house, and I am already dreaming of winter break.
While I cannot WAIT until tomorrow night because it is the season finale of Big Brother, I am not one to wish my life away. Instead of pining for break, I need to live in this busy fall moment, but what am I doing? Am I working on my book? No. I am seriously contemplating SAH full time.
Because Jack cried at pick up last night at school when his friends went home and he went to another classroom for after-school care.
Because he cried again this morning at drop off, and I almost said screw it and scooped him up and went home. Instead, I hid behind a glass brick wall (note: kind of a shitty hiding place) and watching him walk to the playground holding his teacher's hand and crying, "Mooooooommy." He even looked at my car in the parking lot when he wen out the door.
The thing is? Even if today were an at home day for me, I would have made him stay at school because, ultimately, I know that he'll stop crying right away and have a fun day (I drove by the playground on my way to work, and he was happily chucking sand on a little girl). So why do I feel bad for going to work?
Where is this guilt coming from? I stay home 2 full work days a week. What's my problem? I love my job. I am proud of my degree. I often lose my patience when I home with the boys all day. Why am I incapable of living in this busy moment?
Sorry to be such a whining whiner. I'm just in a funk. Unsure of life choices I thought I was sure about. Happy to have the luxury of choice but kind of wishing my mind could be made up by external circumstance.
Hey-- I am writing a book-- something I have been doing for awhile now, but only recently have I been able to actually say that without feeling like an asshole. So. Progress?